Time Cannot Erase


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"How can you see into my eyes like open doors leading you down into my core where I become so numb. Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home." ~Evanescence

"I dream that someday we'll be able To look back on this together and say It was for the best and that it Made us stronger today, stronger today
There's much more for us to see A brand new day for you and me And with confidence I say we're better than ever And I don't know where this will lead But in my life you need to be Cause I need to say, hello again
I'm so afraid that if I wait too long You'll never look in my eyes again With a look that gave me strength and gave me hope and made me feel I've inspired" ~Hoobastank

"I'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears and if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone."~Evanescence

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Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Complicated...that's my life

Ok so not only have I been so upset in general about Chris leaving but I miss him more than anyone EVER. That in general for me is weird. I mean I miss people, who doesn't when they are gone, but I miss him and can't stop thinking about him. You'd think that after a few days I'd move onto to another guy and just start something from a new friendship to perhaps a relationship...but NOOOO why would I be able to do that? No I have to be crazy about my best friend's Marine of an older brother. Ahhhhhhh... and it isn't like I don't have options I mean I do. I know of a few guys that I could have and I also just met a really nice guy on one of my field trips. So I should stop thinking about Chris and start up on thinking about things that are more realistic...like not something that coud happen in 4 years. Everyone says that to. Or at least my guy friends do. They are like you shouldn't be obsessing over a guy that you'll probably never get to see. The problem is I don't care. I don't care if I don't get to see him for months on end, I don't care if I have to wait 4 years to truly be with him, I don't even care if he is so many years older than I am. He's all that I really think about. I can't see myself with anyone else in the world and that scares the shit out of me. I mean I'm not old enough to be thinking about that kind of thing yet I am. I don't get any help from his sis who wants me to marry him because that would make us sisters-in-law. She's been going on about that since this summer. I know that it might sound obsurd but I can't do anything about that. I just have to wait and follow my heart in this place. So I really appreciate your guys worries that I could get hurt but I'm willing to take that chance because...he's worth it.

Posted at 06:56 pm by OneSweetNut
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
The Worst Weekend of My Life

So not only did it kill me a thousand times over when I had to say goodbye to Chris, but the following day I found out that one of my best friends might be moving. So extreme emotional overload. I mean Chris is the guy that to be very truthful I wouldn't have a problem in the world marrying. I know I know that sounds kinda big but I mean it. I would spend the rest of my life with him. Now he's off at bootcamp and that is sooo hard for em to coop with. Then my friend moving is torture too. I mean he's one of the few that I truly know everything about. I don't know. I just know that all of this coming inthe same weekend is just way to much stress for me. I don't know there were a few good highlights throughout though. I mean Matt's party on Saturday was pretty cool and doing all sorts of stuff with Cassie on Monday was awesome...Butterfly Effect is a good but kinda odd movie. I have to try and think of othe things. I have to get my mind off of the bad and onto the good. Maybe I'll take kickboxing... that'd be fun.

Posted at 10:05 am by OneSweetNut
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Saturday, January 24, 2004
A very intersting day...

So today I went up to UConn to visit my ex-boyfriend's newest ex-girlfriend. Now I thought that was going to be weird but actually it turned out much better than I had expected. I mean she and I talked a lot and hung out and really bonded. So I don't have a grudge against her or hate her anymore. Actually she invited me to go see her show and stay for the cast party which definitely sounds like fun. So I'm glad I went up there. I was really afraid the my ex was gonna get pissed but Ohh well I wanted to go so I did he has no reign over me anymore...I'm not saying that he did but now he definitley doesn't. So that was nice. Then I had a lovely car ride back with Matt and Josh. I still don't understand Josh's taste for music... I mean its just plain weird, not normal weird I mean out there weird but hey we've gotta love him so what can you do? After that dinner with Matt's parents. Thye are soo sweet I mean I feel half the time like they are my own and I love them dearly. They can be very funny sometimes though. Anyways then to Cass's house where I got to see Chris again...another big HUG for me, very very very exciting. We hung out and I tried for about the billionth time to answer the question that has been bugging me to no end...WHY DO I LIKE HIM???I mean he used to bug me to no end and now that just seems cute and I can't stay mad at him and I just want to be around him like all the time. I am soooo weird. I should ust join a convent it would be easier...actually no that would be horrible for me. Lol. Hey it was an idea. Anyways I really don't know. All I know is that I'm going to miss him terribly when he leaves on Sunday. So I can't wait to see him again on Easter. The time period in between is gonna be hell though.
"Hold onto me love, you know I can't stay long, all I wanted was to say I love you and I'm not afraid, can you hear me?Can you feel me in your arms?" ~ Evanescence

Posted at 12:21 am by OneSweetNut
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Partying Over the Weekend

So Rambo, Jess, and I went clubbing on Sunday which was sooooo much fun. I mean we danced with each other, with some guys, and just had a blast being hyped up on 3 Musketters and Fruit Snacks. I mean that was sooo much fun we are gonna have to do it again sometime real soon. Then we got back to Jess's house and hung out, watched Drumline which is a cute and funny movie...prolly not for the guys though, and listened to some of Christian's new music. Boy can that boy sing. Well after that we slept...duh of course we did thats what happens its called a "sleep"over. Then Sammy came and picked me up so we could go eat and hang with Mummert and Carolyn. That was fun cuz I never get to see those guys anymore which sucks royally. With that I figured out yeah nothing is gonna happen with the "other" guy I like. Friendship is all that is going to happen and that's ok with me. So no worries no worries. Other than that our long weekend was fun and I can't wait until this upcoming weekend that for me well is a long one too...hahahaha I don't have midterms Monday. So thats pretty much all that happened this weekend exciting for me yet prolly boring for you but hey thats your problem...jk. *Clubbing again in March hopefully*

Posted at 11:22 pm by OneSweetNut
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
The Knights of Allie

I heard the absolute funniest thing tonight. Well Matteo was over and we were talking about how we were going to bring the other Matt home tomorrow. Well Matteo asked if I was coming and I'm like yeah of course and then being the smart ass that I am I was like yeah and you want to be alone cuz you guys wanna talk about me. So being the sarcastic one he is Matteo was like yeah of course and we'll go up to UConn and pick up Josh and then we'll grab Pat and make it a conference. All of which are my ex's mind you. So I just kinda looked at him and he added that if Ken were there they could just be my body guards like the Knights of the Round Table. So we decided to call them the Knights of Allie. So if you know my ex's they are the biggest bunch of goof balls in the world and I could actually see them doing so. So I have te mightest protection force in the world cuz they are by far the greatest guys ever. I just thought that it was hysterical that Matteo would even think of something like that...The Knights of Allie. That is one thing I will always remember. Mess with me and mess with a Black Ninja, a Knight, a Mage, and a few other mighty men.

Posted at 11:36 pm by OneSweetNut
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Drama Drama Drama!!!!

Ohhh Drama Drama Drama what can I say I love you. Today was the first REAL rehearsal...I don't care what you guys say yesterdays wasn't one. Anyways today the final decisions were made on the 3 musketters outing this Sunday. Yeah this is going to be sooo much fun. Going over to Cass's house today was great too. I mean really "Uptown Girls" and candy up the ass is just a great afternoon. Anyways Chris gave me another one of those real hug that he never gives anyone...I mean he doesn't even give his own sister them.So I felt really special. One because they are scarce and two because I can't really make up my mind about how I really feel about him. I mean he's an absolute sweetie and messier than I am but I don't know when I see him I get that gross warm and fuzzy feeling inside that kinda makes me think "Ohh dear Lord please stop now". There is the matter of dearest Chris and then of my other dearest love. We'll leave this one as an unmentionable right now...only because..well I just don't wanna tell you. Well I really like this one guy and at times I really do act as if I am the world's largest drama queen but gosh do I like him. I mean He is the one that makes me smile everytime I look at him. He's the one that can make me laugh without even saying a word. He's the one that I know would kill anyone if they were to hurt me. He is sweet, kind, caring, and well in short plain gorgeous in my own opinion. He I do believe knows that I still like him seeing as people tend to have large mouths...especially my friends. But anyho I'm head over heels crazy about him and can think of noone that I would like the spend time with at this very moment than him. So yeah but I can't wait for the weekend to come so I can start studying for midterms...blahhhhhh.....go out with my big bro...I love you Nicco....and go clubbing with my girls. Love you guys tons.

~"How can you see into my eyes like open doors bringing you down into my core where I become soo cold." Evanessence

Posted at 09:12 pm by OneSweetNut
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
My Best Buddy In the Whole WIDEST WORLD!!!

Hey this is my first ever online journal entry. Well I have my big bro over and he's well computer competent whereas I am not. He though has a very weird sense of humor seeing as he wanted me to title this entire journal as "Stevie Tarca is My Wife" yes he is an odd bod. There is much love no doubt on that just weird. Anyways life is the norm here is Wallyworld and there really isn't anything going on...wait there never is. Anyways I have been talking to my bestest friend in the world, Cassie I love you forever and ever. Obviously I have been talking to her seeing as that is the name of this entry...duh!!! Anyways I'm all excited about this and now you people who have decided to read this are now thinking wow..she is soooo weird, so I will go now. Remember this though...(insert witty phrase here).

Posted at 09:50 pm by OneSweetNut
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